Gilham friends,
I had a great time visiting with you last week and enjoyed your comments, questions, and stories. Some of you took the opportunity to be editors (helpers) for my personal narrative draft. Now, all of you can!
Remember what good editors do: compliment, ask questions, and make suggestions. Take a look at the draft below and try out your editing skills. All you have to do is click the Comment button above and type away. I look forward to your feedback to help make my writing better.
My family moved into this neighborhood in 1985 the local school Gilham was surrounded by fields. It looked alot different then.
In a few years my son, Tyler, was ready for kindergarten. I took him on his first day. I’ll remember that day forever.
The school was alive with activity. Busses and cars streamed through the parking lot. Kids parents filled the sidewalks, voices buzzing with excitement. I took Tyler’s hand and walked him to his portable classroom.
When we got close he pulled me to the side and dropped to his knees. I followed him to the ground. “What’s the matter Tyler” I asked him. “I’m a little scared, he said his voice a whisper.
He looked over into my eyes. “Me too” I said.
Tyler got up, let go of my hand, walked past the teacher at the door, and in the classroom. He didn’t look back.
Hi Robert,
Thank you for comming last week I realy injoy having you in my writing class and I didn’t read your books yet but I am so exsided to read them.’”
Thanks, Brooklyn! I enjoyed my time there.
You’re really cool with your own story’s and it is the same and the other ones with the right people who are the best and are they your friended?
I appreciate your comments, Courtney. I hope your write down your stories.
Hello Robert I loved your gum sculptures you made I haven’t read one but I will once I have a chance
Thanks, Mane. I hope you make your own sculpture.
My favorite part of Monticello is the bed between the two rooms
Me too, Emily. Hope you enjoy the book.
Hi robert you inspired a lot of people i bet you 999,999,999$. Thanks for visting.
Hahaha. Thanks, Paxton!
Hi Robert!
I’m so happy you are a writer. You are the best writer in the history of book writers!!! Well I think you should add a comma after 1985 because it makes more sense. Well, we hope to see you soon. We love you! Bye!
It was fun having you here at Gilham Elementary school. Also, there were two mistakes I sall. First mistake I sall was you forgot a period after 1985. Another mistake I sall was you did not have to put a comma after my son. Bye Mr. Young hope I get to talk to or see you again.
Good job, Dorian. Thank you!
Your story was awsommmmmmeeeeeeee why don’t you put a space at alot not a lot and I want more details did Tyler have a good did have a bad day. You could have do nineteen-eighty-seven in this for. I think “I took to his first day” isn’t a sentence were is the conjunction and the subject .
Thanks for your feedback, Richard. Good question, too!
He had a good day.
Hi Robert,
I feel that the class really enjoyed you coming! .
Thanks, Boden! And I enjoyed visiting.
Hello.
I was sick when you came but I’m still glad you made everyone happy by coming. Your books are epic. Thank you for coming.
Sorry I missed you, Thomas. Enjoy the books!
I loved you story, and I have a question about your name ‘why is it areswhy? I think I found a couple of errors that I would to share with you. One, is the I think in the second sentence of the paragraph you don’t need two comas to isolate Tyler like this, Tyler, but over all I loved the whole story.
Thanks for your comments, Aaron. Areswhy is my initials, Robert Scott Young = RSY = areswhy spelled out. Clever, huh?
I loved it so much! Also you forgot to put quotation marks after ‘scared’, also I think you need a comma then and after ‘1985’. You also need to put and after ‘he let go of my hand’. Last you spelled a lot like ‘alot’. Other then these mistakes it was awesome!
Good job, Abigail! Thanks!!
Dear Robert,
Thank you I enjoyed your visit. I think you should add a more interesting topic to the first part. It just sounds plane.
Thanks for your feedback, Ellie.
You did great but you need to put a comma at 1985 ather wise you did great
Share this suggestion with Mr. Stasack, Hayden.
Hi Robert! I’m so happy you are a writer! You are the best writer in the history of book writers!!! Well I think you should ad a comma after 1985 because it makes more sense well hope to see you soon we love you bye!!!!!!!
Thanks for your kind words. Are you sure a comma belongs there?
Thanks for coming to our school. I had a good time asking all sorts of questions. I hope you visit again soon. Any way I hope to see you again. I will be posting all cind of questions ok by.
Thanks, Dryden. I enjoyed your questions.
that was # amazing
Is there any specific part that sticks with you, Eleanor?
In he didn’t look back add and he didn’t look back but otherwise it was great in your comments it said and and byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Go apple
Thanks for the suggestion, Bailey.
You were the best guest teacher ever
WoW, Parker! Thanks for the kind words.
Hi Robert,
I think there should be a comma after 1985. I love your books too
Thanks, Jayden! Why a comma and not a period?
Thank you for visiting.
You’re welcome, Tommie.
You might want a period after “1985” and capitalize the “t”.
I appreciate your suggestion, Eleanor.
I think you should put something different in the first part, other than that i liked your story. Thanks for visiting us.
Hmmm, Dani. Any ideas on how to better start it?
You spelled a lot like alot.
Good catch, Jay. Thanks!
Hi Robert,
Just letting you know I think there should be a comma after 1985.
Thanks for the suggestion, Lincoln. I hope you talk with Soleil and Parker about your suggestions.
The first sentence is a run on sentence, after 1985, there should be a period , and capitalize the “ t “ on “ the “
Thanks Soleil. Please speak with Parker about this.
In the 1st sentence there should be a ,and after 1985. After kids there should be an and.
I appreciate your suggestion, Parker. You and Soleil should discuss your suggestions. Should it be a pause (,) or a stop (.)?
Thank you for coming to Gilham.
You’re welcome, Jay. I really enjoyed it!
I think you could add a period after 1985 at the start
Thanks for the suggestion, Jack.
I liked your storyline it was good
Thank you, Hunter.
Hi Robert,
Thank you so much for your wonderful and inspirational presentations. They were perfectly adapted to our needs at Gilham. We will take a look at your personal narrative on Friday. I hope you’ll get some great feedback from the kids. You have made writing feel more real and accessible for them with your kindness, honesty, and openness to critique.
I just read your book, Not Fair – The Story of Abigail Scott Duniway. I’m so glad you chose that important piece of Oregon history to share! You have touched the lives of many, both near and far. Write on!
Mike Stasack
Thank you, Mike. It was a pleasure to work with you and and your students.
Keep up the great work!
Robert