Gilham friends,
I had a great time visiting with you last week and enjoyed your comments, questions, and stories. Some of you took the opportunity to be editors (helpers) for my personal narrative draft. Now, all of you can!
Remember what good editors do: compliment, ask questions, and make suggestions. Take a look at the draft below and try out your editing skills. All you have to do is click the Comment button above and type away. I look forward to your feedback to help make my writing better.
My family moved into this neighborhood in 1985 the local school Gilham was surrounded by fields. It looked alot different then.
In a few years my son, Tyler, was ready for kindergarten. I took him on his first day. I’ll remember that day forever.
The school was alive with activity. Busses and cars streamed through the parking lot. Kids parents filled the sidewalks, voices buzzing with excitement. I took Tyler’s hand and walked him to his portable classroom.
When we got close he pulled me to the side and dropped to his knees. I followed him to the ground. “What’s the matter Tyler” I asked him. “I’m a little scared, he said his voice a whisper.
He looked over into my eyes. “Me too” I said.
Tyler got up, let go of my hand, walked past the teacher at the door, and in the classroom. He didn’t look back.
Hi Robert,
Thank you for comming last week I realy injoy having you in my writing class and I didn’t read your books yet but I am so exsided to read them.’”
Thanks, Brooklyn! I enjoyed my time there.
You’re really cool with your own story’s and it is the same and the other ones with the right people who are the best and are they your friended?
I appreciate your comments, Courtney. I hope you write down your stories.
Hello Robert I loved your gum sculptures you made I haven’t read one but I will once I have a chance
Thanks, Mane. I hope you make your own sculpture.
My favorite part of Monticello is the bed between the two rooms
Me too, Emily. Hope you enjoy the book.
Hi robert you inspired a lot of people i bet you 999,999,999$. Thanks for visting.
Hahaha. Thanks, Paxton!
Hi Robert!
I’m so happy you are a writer. You are the best writer in the history of book writers!!! Well I think you should add a comma after 1985 because it makes more sense. Well, we hope to see you soon. We love you! Bye!
It was fun having you here at Gilham Elementary school. Also, there were two mistakes I sall. First mistake I sall was you forgot a period after 1985. Another mistake I sall was you did not have to put a comma after my son. Bye Mr. Young hope I get to talk to or see you again.
Good job, Dorian. Thank you!
Your story was awsommmmmmeeeeeeee why don’t you put a space at alot not a lot and I want more details did Tyler have a good did have a bad day. You could have do nineteen-eighty-seven in this for. I think “I took to his first day” isn’t a sentence were is the conjunction and the subject .
Thanks for your feedback, Richard. Good question, too!
He had a good day.
Hi Robert,
I feel that the class really enjoyed you coming! .
Thanks, Boden! And I enjoyed visiting.
Hello.
I was sick when you came but I’m still glad you made everyone happy by coming. Your books are epic. Thank you for coming.
Sorry I missed you, Thomas. Enjoy the books!
I loved you story, and I have a question about your name ‘why is it areswhy? I think I found a couple of errors that I would to share with you. One, is the I think in the second sentence of the paragraph you don’t need two comas to isolate Tyler like this, Tyler, but over all I loved the whole story.
Thanks for your comments, Aaron. Areswhy is my initials, Robert Scott Young = RSY = areswhy spelled out. Clever, huh?
I loved it so much! Also you forgot to put quotation marks after ‘scared’, also I think you need a comma then and after ‘1985’. You also need to put and after ‘he let go of my hand’. Last you spelled a lot like ‘alot’. Other then these mistakes it was awesome!
Good job, Abigail! Thanks!!
Dear Robert,
Thank you I enjoyed your visit. I think you should add a more interesting topic to the first part. It just sounds plane.
Thanks for your feedback, Ellie.
You did great but you need to put a comma at 1985 ather wise you did great
Share this suggestion with Mr. Stasack, Hayden.
Hi Robert! I’m so happy you are a writer! You are the best writer in the history of book writers!!! Well I think you should ad a comma after 1985 because it makes more sense well hope to see you soon we love you bye!!!!!!!
Thanks for your kind words. Are you sure a comma belongs there?
Thanks for coming to our school. I had a good time asking all sorts of questions. I hope you visit again soon. Any way I hope to see you again. I will be posting all cind of questions ok by.
Thanks, Dryden. I enjoyed your questions.
Hi there , I had a great time when you come to Gilham Elementary school. I think you spelled a lot wrong okay.
Dear Robert I think you should add a more interesting topic to the first part it just sounds plane. Thank you I enjoyed your visit.
I am thankful you came
I like your books they are amazing
And my favorite one ☝️ is Monticello I love it.
Thank you for coming and I think you should put a coma after 1985 thank again for coming.
Hi Robert,
I really enjoyed you coming to are class! I’m glad you took the out of your schedule to come and talk to are class, thank you!
I loved your story,and I have a question about your name’why is it areswhy? I think found a couple errors that I would like to share with you. One, is I think in the second second sentance of the second paragraph you don’t need two comas to isolate Tyler like this,Tyler, but over all I loved the whole story
Hi Mr. Robert how was your day today. I hope your having a good time. I really like the story but i want to now what happen to Tyler after school was over. Your really a nice guy and you brighten my day. I hope to see you again so I can say i’m happy your here.
Your nice friend Micayla
Good work mr. Young!!! You write really good.:)
Thank you for coming to Gilham I really like your books. I really liked your mint book that I wished got published. And I like questions.
I really liked your story, it was really interesting.
Dear robert l loved all of your storys you rout. and l went to the book store and got your books well l hope you have a good day.
First of all, I love your story. Second, I think you should put a period after “1985”, and put the word and after the word “Kids” in the third paragraph and third sentence.
Dear, Mr. Young
Nice job Mr. Young you did really well typing. One thing i did see though is that what neighborhood, but everything else is good nice job on the the work. Keep up the good work.
*into this neighborhood in 1985*
Thanks for coming. for my friend Mr. Young.
I think it’s good, but I have a question…. what are you going to do with this piece of writing. 🙂
Hi I am Katie you don’t know me because I was absent that day I think your blog looks really good
Dear Mr.Young, I really like how how you put in a lot of detail in your story ,but you probably should have put in a period after 1985.
First of all, I loved you story. Second, I think you should put a period after 1985, and put the word and after the word “Kids” in the third paragraph and third sentence.
Hi Mr Young thak you for coming to my classroom it was really cool having you come in.I liked your story about your son Tyler.
I have read some of your books in my class. I love your books. I would suggest reading your books. Thank you for coming to Gilham Elementary school
I love the personal narrative. Thanks, you are the best guest teacher in the whole world.
I liked the story of your kindergarten son but were did you move in 1985 i suggest you put it in were you move.
Your biggest fan
Hayden belnap
P.S. have a great day Robert
Hi Robert
I really like how Tyler was so confident, he just let go of your hand and didn’t look back, it was kind of like he new what would happen that he would have fun, and I bet when he got home he probly made some friends and thought it was sooooo cool.
Thanks for coming to our school at Gilham, and showing us your books!
Thank you for visiting the school,and showing us some of your books! 🙂
Thank you for coming please come again if you do come again soon could you show us a book you might be working on. Have you ever been to Germany because I am going to visit my aunt,uncle and my two cousins. did you know the place where they make legos is in Germany. And my uncle that lives in Germany ran a race the race was with about 13,000 people my uncle made it in eighty second place.any questions ask me. I hope I get to you soon bye
Hi!It’s me Cole. Hope you enjoyed my first comment. I wanted to say you said a lot (with the L close to the A.) Why didn’t I Type it that way? My computer is correcting it. Anyway have a good day.
Thanks for visiting us. Your story is amazing every time I read it, and I think you need a (“) after “ I’m a little scared, 🙂
I loved that you came to our school. I also think you need a period after 1985 and you need to capitalize the t in the. Thanks again.
Thank you for the visit and do you think you could write about your visit here i would really wat to read it if you do write about it. How many schools have been to to visit? Zombie is actually my middle name I’m not kidding!
Dear Robert,
Thank you again for taking your time and coming into our class room! I love your books! Hope to see you again!
‘
Thanks for coming. By the way, I think you should add why Tyler never looked back at you. 🙂
I liked your story because you left the end opened so we don’t know what happened next. Just want to let you know that there should be an “and” between the words kids, and parents filled the sidewalks
Thanks for coming in it was fun having you, some of the things that you said were funny again thanks for coming in,
From kyland
Thank you for coming to gilham elementary last week. It was a joy to learn more about being a writer, AND personal narratives. In the 4th paragraph when it says “when we got close he”, I think you could have put a comma after close so that it would slow the sentence down a little bit. Thank You!
I liked your story. I think that you should put a quotation mark after scared when it says “I’m a little scared, he said his voice a whisper.
I love what you do and how you do it all different waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaqaaaaaayssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are the best and I hope you have a #Awesome day.
The visit was amazing. You need a period after 1985 and a comma after kids.
YOU ARE THE BEST GUEST TEACHER EVER!!!!
Thank you for teaching us Mr. Young. us children really liked it! i wish i had your expense. You surprised me! even though i don’t like touching paper! i want to write books too!
I think there should be a comma after 1985, you were the best sub I have ever had at this school. You were a lot of fun. I liked the stories you told us about. The one I liked the most is the one where you saw the dog and it bit you. That other one where you went on the hike and saw that gorilla and went on the raft and it was vfunny that some people fell of especially the guy who was on the back. Than you for coming in the class.
I just loved the end! Though many others wanted more, I was happy with the ending. The one thing I wanted to change was the format. I believe that you should indent the beginning of every paragraph. Thank you for coming to our school by the way.
Sincerely, Leni Pierson.
I love what you do and what you should uss
Hi Robert,
Your a great incredible guest teacher! Hopefully you come again, and tell us more of you. Well its your choice but I hope to meet you again! The books you made are probably good. I haven’t read one, soon I will.
P.S. I will definitely read your amazing books! Thanks for coming.
Hi Robert,
Your a great incredible guest teacher! Hopefully you come again, and tell us more of you. Well its your choice but I hope to meet you again! The books you made are probably good. I haven’t read one, soon I will.
P.S. I will definitely read your amazing books! Thanks for coming.
that was # amazing
Is there any specific part that sticks with you, Eleanor?
In he didn’t look back add and he didn’t look back but otherwise it was great in your comments it said and and byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Go apple
Thanks for the suggestion, Bailey.
You were the best guest teacher ever
WoW, Parker! Thanks for the kind words.
Hi Robert,
I think there should be a comma after 1985. I love your books too
Thanks, Jayden! Why a comma and not a period?
You forgot a period at the end of your sentence.
You forgot a period at the end of your sentence.
Thank you for visiting.
You’re welcome, Tommie.
You might want a period after “1985” and capitalize the “t”.
I appreciate your suggestion, Eleanor.
I think you should put something different in the first part, other than that i liked your story. Thanks for visiting us.
Hmmm, Dani. Any ideas on how to better start it?
You spelled a lot like alot.
Good catch, Jay. Thanks!
Hi Robert,
Just letting you know I think there should be a comma after 1985.
Thanks for the suggestion, Lincoln. I hope you talk with Soleil and Parker about your suggestions.
The first sentence is a run on sentence, after 1985, there should be a period , and capitalize the “ t “ on “ the “
Thanks Soleil. Please speak with Parker about this.
In the 1st sentence there should be a ,and after 1985. After kids there should be an and.
I appreciate your suggestion, Parker. You and Soleil should discuss your suggestions. Should it be a pause (,) or a stop (.)?
Thank you for coming to Gilham.
You’re welcome, Jay. I really enjoyed it!
I think you could add a period after 1985 at the start
Thanks for the suggestion, Jack.
I liked your storyline it was good
Thank you, Hunter.
Hi Robert,
Thank you so much for your wonderful and inspirational presentations. They were perfectly adapted to our needs at Gilham. We will take a look at your personal narrative on Friday. I hope you’ll get some great feedback from the kids. You have made writing feel more real and accessible for them with your kindness, honesty, and openness to critique.
I just read your book, Not Fair – The Story of Abigail Scott Duniway. I’m so glad you chose that important piece of Oregon history to share! You have touched the lives of many, both near and far. Write on!
Mike Stasack
Thank you, Mike. It was a pleasure to work with you and and your students.
Keep up the great work!
Robert